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A Fresh Start

August 11, 2007

So for the first time in 5 years, I am by myself again.  Or, really, for the first time ever in my life I am alone.  At 18, I went straight from my parent’s house to the dorm room with my good buddy Alan, and then after 2 years in the dorm, in with my now wife.  But as I type this, I am actually on my own for the first time in my life.  It is something I always dreamed of when I was younger (especially when a hormonal teenager still living at home), but now that I have it, I’m not so sure it is really what I want.  I suppose that’s the thing about being married.  You can’t wait to get out on your own, but then you find somebody you really, really love to be with, and suddenly you don’t want to be on your own.  And so, here I am, typing this on my laptop (oh, and thank GOD for those lovely Linksys wireless connections and the IU vpn, and absolute lifesaver when you didn’t get your internet connection set up in time) in Miami, Florida completely by myself, and all I really want is to crawl into bed next to my wife.  That old saying is still true:  you don’t know what you have until its gone.
All this as it is, however, I am not entirely distraught.  In fact, despite my new-found loneliness, I think this is the most, well maybe not excited, but at least the best I’ve felt in terms of working towards a future in at least two years.  Bloomington was a complete disaster for me.  I get into grad school only to spend one semester actually enrolled in class, then plan on spending a year away in order to qualify for in-state tuition and save some money.  Sure I was doing saxophone performance, but what I was really looking forward to doing was my cognate:  computer music composition.  Yet after only one class meeting, I get word from the professor that the class will have to be canceled because there aren’t enough student’s enrolled in the class.  What luck!  The one thing I was REALLY looking forward to, and it was canceled.  Okay, but hold it right here buddy.  I’m starting to go into whining mode and I don’t like it at all.
Long story short:  Bloomington sucked.  Hard.  For 2 years.
Miami better not suck.  And I have hope it really won’t.  I’m in a masters program designed to do what I’ve always wanted to do.  A masters in Electronic Music and not saxophone performance with a little dash o’ electronicism is the way I want things done.  Plus, it’s a fresh start in a new city.  Daunting?  Yes.  Lonely?  Of course.  Expensive?  Christ in heaven, please help me afford it!!  (damned private school, what the hell am I thinking?).  But am I hopeful and looking forward for the opportunity to do something better with my life?  Absolutely.  Basically, I’ve been fucking around being lazy for the last, oh, 24 years of my life.  So I hereby declare that Ben’s life begins at 25.  And I’d better not screw it up this time.  ‘Cause I would most absolutely certainly without a doubt most graciously not like to have to go back to waiting tables.  Ever.  Again.

So for the first time in 5 years, I am by myself again.  Or, really, for the first time ever in my life I am alone.  At 18, I went straight from my parent’s house to the dorm room with my good buddy Alan, and then after 2 years in the dorm, in with my now wife.  But as I type this, I am actually on my own for the first time in my life.  It is something I always dreamed of when I was younger (especially when a hormonal teenager still living at home), but now that I have it, I’m not so sure it is really what I want.  I suppose that’s the thing about being married.  You can’t wait to get out on your own, but then you find somebody you really, really love to be with, and suddenly you don’t want to be on your own.  And so, here I am, typing this on my laptop (oh, and thank GOD for those lovely Linksys wireless connections and the IU vpn, and absolute lifesaver when you didn’t get your internet connection set up in time) in Miami, Florida completely by myself, and all I really want is to crawl into bed next to my wife.  That old saying is still true:  you don’t know what you have until its gone.

All this as it is, however, I am not entirely distraught.  In fact, despite my new-found loneliness, I think this is the most, well maybe not excited, but at least the best I’ve felt in terms of working towards a future in at least two years.  Bloomington was a complete disaster for me.  I get into grad school only to spend one semester actually enrolled in class, then plan on spending a year away in order to qualify for in-state tuition and save some money.  Sure I was doing saxophone performance, but what I was really looking forward to doing was my cognate:  computer music composition.  Yet after only one class meeting, I get word from the professor that the class will have to be canceled because there aren’t enough student’s enrolled in the class.  What luck!  The one thing I was REALLY looking forward to, and it was canceled.  Okay, but hold it right here buddy.  I’m starting to go into whining mode and I don’t like it at all.

Long story short:  Bloomington sucked.  Hard.  For 2 years.

Miami better not suck.  And I have hope it really won’t.  I’m in a masters program designed to do what I’ve always wanted to do.  A masters in Electronic Music and not saxophone performance with a little dash o’ electronicism is the way I want things done.  Plus, it’s a fresh start in a new city.  Daunting?  Yes.  Lonely?  Of course.  Expensive?  Christ in heaven, please help me afford it!!  (damned private school, what the hell am I thinking?).  But am I hopeful and looking forward for the opportunity to do something better with my life?  Absolutely.  Basically, I’ve been fucking around being lazy for the last, oh, 24 years of my life.  So I hereby declare that Ben’s life begins at 25.  And I’d better not screw it up this time.  ‘Cause I would most absolutely certainly without a doubt most graciously not like to have to go back to waiting tables.  Ever.  Again.